I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
