If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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