see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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