Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
