I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I believe in your delicious
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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