NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
