is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
