You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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