Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
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