I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
