I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
