she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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