Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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