so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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