What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
