I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i wish my penis had a tongue
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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