I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
