I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
