I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
