i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
