martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
