i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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