i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize