My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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