The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
