The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
