Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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