you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
