im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
