i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
