she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Randomize
