Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
