There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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