i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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