My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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