I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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