Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
