I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize