I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
