My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
