Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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