yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
