I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
