My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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