I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
