Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize