Got a toothbrush?
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
