I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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