Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
