Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
