I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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