I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
