Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
