i jhust puked up my retainher.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Someone shit on the floor
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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