I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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