In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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