Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
