i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize