I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
me + whiskey = a bad person
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
