It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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