It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
