I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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